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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28328295">God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianscullies/pseuds/lesbianscullies'>lesbianscullies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The X-Files</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, more of an open ending but.....whomst cares</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:54:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,521</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28328295</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianscullies/pseuds/lesbianscullies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes he still thought about her. Not too often, but often enough that he allowed himself to wonder, to ponder all the “what-ifs”. Maybe, if they stayed together, he wouldn’t feel so damn lost.</p>
<p>Former high school sweethearts Mulder and Scully have a chance encounter almost 20 years later</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fox Mulder &amp; Dana Scully, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HEAVILY Based on the movie Blue Jay (2016) with Mark Duplass and Sarah Paulson which is AMAZING. A friend and I were talking about it the other day and wondering what an MSR version would look like.<br/>Also sorry, I noticed an error so I'm reuploading lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes he still thought about her. Not too often, but often enough that he allowed himself to wonder, to ponder all the “what-ifs”. Maybe, if they stayed together, he wouldn’t feel so damn lost.</p>
<p>Being back in the Vineyard was something new enough. D.C. hadn’t worked out, not the way he’d wanted it to, and there was something kind of comforting about the house he grew up in. Still, he felt lost. Imagining where his life would be now if he’d just said something different, or done something different was a constant pastime for him. If he'd just changed one thing, where would he be now?</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Dana hadn’t been back to Massachusetts in, oh, how long had it been? Two years? Her parents had moved to Florida, Missy to Washington state and her younger brother Charlie had landed some big finance job in New York. Bill and his wife were the only ones who had stayed. He’d called her last month to announce the birth of his third child, a baby girl. She was sorry that she wasn't able to be there sooner, that she couldn’t get away to fly out when the baby was born. Better late than never, she figured as she packed a wrapped baby gift in her suitcase.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Mulder was starting to regret that he had grabbed such a small basket. That old adage about never going shopping while hungry was proving true as he continued to stuff more and more frozen dinners into the already full basket. Heading to the front for checkout, he noticed a woman, petite, standing on her tiptoes with arms straining to reach a can of formula. “You need some help?” he offered.</p>
<p>“Mulder?” When the woman turned, smiling awkwardly at him, he was flooded with emotions. Scully. He hadn’t seen her in what, almost twenty years? Had it been that long? It sure didn’t feel like it. He could remember it all like it was yesterday. “Scully!,” he said, a little too loud, “You come here often?” He grimaced at his own horrible joke, but she let out a soft, genuine chuckle anyway. That was him alright. “I’m just here visiting. Bill and Tara just welcomed a new baby last month. I’m the only one in the family who hasn’t met her yet. I hear that she’s adorable though. Well, I know she is. They’ve sent me a ton of pictures and-“ She was rambling. <em>Shut up, Dana, shut up! </em> “Anyway, I was just here to get a few things for them. Baby formula and uh, chocolate, I think it was? But as you can see,” she gestured up at the baby formula. “I can.” He smiled at her and set his basket down before easily reaching up and swiping a tin down from the top shelf. “So, uh, how ya been?” He tried to smile but it didn’t seem right. Had he forgotten how? “Good. I’ve, um, I’ve been good. You?” She was rocking back and forth on her heels, fingers fiddling with the hem of her blouse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When she noticed that the car parked next to hers in the lot had a SETI sticker on the back windshield, and another sticker proudly proclaiming “MY OTHER CAR IS A UFO” on the bumper, she smiled to herself. There was only one person she could think of who would drive something so ridiculous. Just when she turned around, she was met with a familiar face. “Ah, and just when I thought I’d finally escaped you!” “Shut up, Mulder.” She laughed, showing a more genuine smile this time. He could never forget that smile. Taking their second encounter of the day as some sort of sign, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and cast her gaze down at the asphalt. She spoke slowly, deliberately. “Mulder, would you like to grab some lunch?”<br/>“Why, Scully, how forward! I thought you’d never ask.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The diner was the same. The plate of fries, the glass of iced tea, the decor, the menus -- even the company he kept today were all the same. He could remember them coming here all the time when they were younger. After sports games, before and after prom, for lunch on weekends, anytime they wanted something to eat, it seemed. “So, Mulder, what brings you back to the Vineyard?” she asked, stuffing a fry into her mouth. He had been expecting her to ask, he just didn’t want to answer. “Just, uh…just visiting. Just wanted to see the house before we sold it.” This was a lie, Scully could tell. Still, though, he would tell her in due time, just like he used to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eating lunch with Dana Scully was like some sort of dream. He had wondered what it would be like, almost two decades later, to be with her, spend time together like they used to. She smirked at him from across the table, and he was suddenly struck by a vision of her, of how she was then, being swallowed by an oversized Smiths t-shirt, eyes wide and playful, looking at him from across the booth. She had changed, sure, opting to wear clothes that fit her and had since grown into her babyface. That look, though. He would still do anything for her as if he were the same sweaty-palmed teenager, head over heels in love.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The waiter came over to hand them their checks. "Fox? Dana?" A tall, stocky bald man stood before them, eyes wide in surprise behind his wireframe glasses. "Skinman?" the two said, almost in unison. They had been such frequent customers in the past that they were on a nickname basis with the owner. "I always told you not to call me that! It’s Skin<em>ner</em>," he groaned, though any annoyance he felt quickly faded back into a huge grin. "The two of you are still together, right? Mr. and Mrs. Mulder?" Scully surprised everyone by reaching across the table and grabbing Mulder's hand. "That's Mr. and Mrs. Spooky to you." She smiled at Mulder, silently telling him to play along. "Congratulations! How many years has it been?" Mulder took the lead this time. "It'll be fifteen years tomorrow, actually! We got married on Lake Okoboji. She'd always wanted to go. Spent our honeymoon driving around the country to different UFO hotspots. Can you believe Dana is still into all that crap?" He laughed, proud of his lie. Scully glared at him and threw a fry at his head. “Treat your wife right or I’ll charge you double, Mr. Spooky,” Skinner said, winking at Scully.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I have to get back to Bill and Tara soon but--” Scully said, lingering next to the entrance of the diner. “No! Of course! I’m sorry I kept you so long. I’m sure the baby is getting hungry.” She lingered next to him, a bag of groceries in one hand. This was surreal, almost, like some kind of dream sequence. He even smelled the same. “Can I stop by your house first? If that’s okay, I mean. Since you said you were going to sell it and all. I’d just like to see it one last time.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The house was just like she remembered it being. The (now peeling) paint was the same, the furniture, everything. It smelled the same, too, like Mulder. She hadn’t been there since she’d broken up with him. Pushing the memory down, she allowed herself to go deeper into the house. Kitchen, living room, dining room, before stopping at the door to his room. “May I?” she asked. “Sure. It’s the same as it was when I left. My mom left it as it was and I haven’t really been through any of it yet.” He hadn’t been joking. “You still have the magic eye poster?!,” she laughed. She was sure she had spent hours as a teen staring at it as they lazed around in his bed. “This whole room is like a time capsule, huh Scully?” He poked his head in the door and pulled a few sunflower seeds from his pocket. <em>Great,</em> she thought, <em>he still eats those, too.</em> She traced her hands over spines on the bookcase next to his bed, taking note of the dusty magazines and hand-labeled VHS tapes. “Hey, hey! Don’t look too closely at those!” he rushed over to try to pull her away. She picked up one of the tapes — <em>Busty Blondes BJ Bonanza</em>. Classy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She'd found his keepsake box in his closet and was leafing through notes -- drawings his sister had done, an old class schedule from high school, a photograph of the two of them. They'd looked so young, him with his shaggy hair and giant headphones around his neck, her with her long auburn hair braided in two pigtails with over-sized glasses, Mulder's arm wrapped protectively around her middle. She found another picture with him in a tux and her in a handmade mint green prom dress with an a-line skirt falling a few inches below her knees, both smiling widely with eyes sparkling. Next was a slip of paper with the words, "<em>Call me, Spooky</em>," with a heart and her old home phone number written neatly next to it. She couldn't believe he had kept the note she'd slipped him in the cafeteria in 10th grade. She was about to say something when she heard her phone ring. She glanced at the screen for a moment. “I have to take this, sorry!” she apologized as she hurried out of the room. He could hear her out in the hall.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Hey, Ethan! How are you? I’m doing okay. I’m sorry I forgot to call, I went to the store to pick up some things for Bill and Tara and I ran into someone. Oh, just an old friend. Just, uh, just a girl I went to high school with is all. We got caught up talking and I guess I just got distracted. Yes, yes, sorry. No, no, I love you too. Goodbye. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She walked back into the room, smiling as though nothing had happened. “Sorry, Bill called. He was wondering where I was.” Two lies, he noted. Lying to him and to whoever Ethan was. Mulder flopped onto his bed. “Put some music on, Scully! I’m sure there’s some great stuff in there.” “What are you in the mood for, Mulder? Looks like you’ve got a little Paul Simon, The Cure…The Waitresses? Dear God, Mulder, this room makes me feel old.” She picked up an LP and took out the worn record, remembering how many times they must’ve played Thirteen by Big Star and how many times Mulder had quoted the lyrics to her. “Don’t be silly, Scully! You don’t look a day over…,” he took a moment to count on his fingers, “thirty-five!” he finished, triumphant over figuring out her age. She glared at him as she put the record on to play and he gave her a cheesy fake grin in return. She snorted and affection swelled in his chest, thrilled that he could make her laugh the same as he used to. He had to stop the urge to kiss her. She fell onto the bed next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. He drew a sharp breath before asking, “Scully? Who is Ethan?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She didn’t seem disturbed that she was caught in a lie, instead opting to remain where she was, still leaned against him. “Oh, you heard? Sorry. He’s my, uh, he’s my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a couple years now. He actually proposed to me the day before I left.” “Oh, congratulations. When’s the wedding?” He did his best to mask the disappointment he felt. “I didn’t say yes. I didn’t say anything, really. I said I wanted to think about it.”<br/>“You hadn’t thought about it before?”<br/>“No, I guess I hadn’t. We moved in together last fall and things have been…they’re good. They’re, um, they’re really good. I have no reason to say no, but….”<br/>“You have no reason to say yes, either?”<br/>“Something like that.” She smiled sadly. He understood her. The understanding and compassion he showed her then felt unparalleled to anything Ethan or any other man she’d been with had ever shown her. “I just feel like maybe he’s as good as I’m going to get, you know? I’m thirty-five. He’s nice, handsome, has a good job. He loves me. That should be enough.”<br/>“But it isn’t, is it?”<br/>She only shook her head in response.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Scully stood suddenly as if trying to break free from the feeling of discontent. She started rooting through his closet and pulled out a sweatshirt and pulled it on over her clothes. “I remember wearing this when we used to ride our bikes down to the beach. Remember the night we built a fire and ended up falling asleep and how worried my mom was? I was wearing this then, too.” Mulder was surprised to hear that she remembered just as much, if not more, about their time together than he did. Truth be told, in her time with Ethan, time with Jack, time with other men who had left her unfulfilled, she would think back on summers spent with Mulder eating ice cream on the pier or exchanging gifts at Christmastime or going to the prom. Rationally, logically, she knew this was nostalgia and that everything she remembered was tinted with a rosy hue. Statistically speaking, high school relationships don’t last. The odds of finding your soulmate at sixteen are slim to none. If she hadn’t ended things with him then, they would’ve surely broken up for another reason, right? But nothing beats the magic of first love.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mulder?” Her voice was soft, quiet. “I wish I could go back and live it all again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Scully?”<br/>“Yeah, Mulder?”<br/>“I love you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She buried her face in his chest for a moment and allowed him to hold her. Holy shit, holy shit. Mulder wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or not. “I want to go down to the beach,” she said. “I haven’t been to the beach in years.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The night air was cool and crisp and the water was calm. Scully hiked up her skirt and waded in the sea, laughing and waving at Mulder as he watched from a blanket a few feet away. She seemed so young still, like the same person she was back then. Mulder watched her and felt young again, too. She came up and laid down next to him and rested her head on his chest. He moved to put his arm around her and rubbed small circles into her shoulder with his thumb. “I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to Bill. I think he still hates you. Remember when you got into a fistfight at Thanksgiving?” She laughed at the memory. “Hey! He threw the first punch, and all I did was defend myself. I stand by that!” “You had that black eye for a month! I couldn’t take you anywhere, Mulder!” She was all smiles and laughter until suddenly her face turned somber.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you think I made a mistake? Nothing feels the same as it did with you. Every other relationship has felt empty.” She remembered how small she felt all those years ago when she told him she was leaving him. Mulder shook his head. “You did what you thought was right at the time. I know what you mean though. I feel like I’ve been searching for it this whole time, whatever it was we had. I think you’re the only person who’s ever really seen me.”<br/>“Mulder?”<br/>“Yeah?”<br/>“Can I kiss you?”<br/>He said nothing and stayed stock still, staring at her with wide eyes. She nodded. “I mean it.” He didn’t answer, only moved in to kiss her first. He was slow, unsure at first. When she reciprocated he allowed himself to go in deeper, to savor it, to allow his hand to rest ever so lightly on her waist. When he finally pulled away, he laughed. “What’s so funny, Mulder?” His laughter was infectious. “Remember our first kiss? When I dragged you out here to watch for UFOs?” She nodded. “I lied about expecting to see UFOs though. I just couldn’t think of a better date than arguing with you about aliens.” “You wouldn’t’ve seen anything anyway," she protested. "You were too busy staring at me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re more spectacular than any UFO I’ve ever seen.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s only because you haven’t seen any.” She playfully punched his arm and he grinned.<br/>“Mulder? I think that-” She was interrupted by her phone ringing. “Ethan?” Mulder asked, disappointment audible. “No, no,” she said, “it’s Bill. I think I need to go. I think that I might do something I’ll regret if I stay.” She rushed to her feet and turned towards the house. It was already dark and she was starting to get herself in trouble. He grabbed at the hem of her skirt. “Scully, wait. I want to say something.” “Mulder, I don’t think—“<br/>“Scully, I love you.”<br/>“Mulder, that isn't true.”<br/>“Yes, Scully, it is! I always have. It’s always been you.”<br/>“That’s not true. You haven’t seen me in almost twenty years, Mulder! You don’t know me anymore. You haven’t known me since I was 17. You haven’t known me since I left. Do you have any idea how much I’ve been through, how much I’ve changed? You don’t, Mulder!” Her voice was soft and shaking, despite the power of her words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was right, he couldn’t refute it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why did you come here then, Scully? Just to jerk me around?” His voice was pleading. She sat back down next to him. “No, Mulder. I was happy to see you. I still think about you. But that’s just how brains and memories work. I’m only remembering the good parts. If I still love you, it is only the idea of you as you were then.” She was always so damn rational, always scared to show her emotions, less God forbid someone mistook them as a sign of weakness. That much clearly hadn’t changed. Still, though, she had always been unusually open with him and it seemed that she still was. Some things don’t change, he figured. “You’re the only one I’ve told,” she said. <br/>“About what?”<br/>“About Ethan. I haven’t even told anyone he proposed. I just feel like it’ll be too embarrassing if I turn him down later. My family loves him, my friends love him. Everyone loves him but me.”<br/>“Well, I guess I gotta make it even then, Scully.”<br/>“What do you mean?”<br/>“Back in D.C. I had a girlfriend. A fiancee, actually. Diana. My mother gave me a family heirloom to propose with. She was saving it for Samantha but I guess since she’s not here she figured I was the next best thing. Turns out, she was having an affair with a guy from my work, of all places. Came home early one day and caught them. It’s crazy, you know? I’m way more handsome than that guy. He had some stupid ass haircut and the most punchable face I’d ever seen. Like, what did that guy have that I didn’t? But he had Diana.”<br/>“Mulder, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”<br/>“Don’t apologize, Scully. Better it happened before we tied the knot, right? Plus I was able to get most of my deposits back so all's well that ends well I guess.” He still had that carefree attitude. “Come on, Scully, I’ll take you back to your car. Bill and Tara are waiting.” He took her hand and led her back to the house.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mulder, thank you for tonight. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m sorry about...” She fished her keys out of her purse to unlock her car. “Don’t marry him, Scully. Don’t marry him if you aren’t sure.” “Well, Mulder, there’s nothing he has that you don’t.” She gave him a playful smile and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek before getting in her car and driving off, leaving him there, stunned.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had a lot on his mind as he trotted back to the house. He thought about her, about Diana, about himself, about where he was going. He spent the whole walk home in a daze that was only broken by a blaring car horn and an angry driver yelling at him to watch where the fuck he’s going. He unlocked the front door and made his way to the bedroom where he returned the forgotten record to the sleeve before noticing a slip of paper sticking out where she’d taken the record out hours ago. She’d always done that, marking the place where she’d taken an LP out in an effort to keep things organized. He grabbed at the slip of paper and started to crumple it up before he noticed something written on it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Call me, Spooky</em>” in the same neat print and a new phone number with a heart next to it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As always, find me on tumblr @x-files1993</p></blockquote></div></div>
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